I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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