You really coming over, don't trick.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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