they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
