the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he was CRYING into my vagina
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize