are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I cannot find my penis.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
