none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize