i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
