He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Randomize
