one two three fourrrrnication!
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
