I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
