dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
