i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
