i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
