I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
