fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
