Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I will be naked everywhere
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
