I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
