The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
