dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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