you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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