Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
