i love accidental penises.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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