there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
