Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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