I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
