I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
