she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
