your parents love me but you hate me
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
