Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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