I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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