i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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