They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
