everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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