I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
