I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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