i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
