When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
