Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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