I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
