I haven't been this sober since birth.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i now understand why vodka
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
