this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
