youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
