There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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