If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
