I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
