I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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