just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
