I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
