Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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