my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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