Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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