I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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