i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
