I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Boobs speak an international language.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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