Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize