she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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